hugtopia | 02: insert creative title here

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[ There is no longer the warmth of someone beside her when she rises, no arm around her, no shoulder for her head to be tucked into, no quiet breath she can hear, no soft rhythm of a heartbeat she can feel beneath her palm, no trace of a magic and light that feels as if she's bathed in the stars. There is no greeting with soft, quiet eyes and and an even softer touch, careful, caring, no murmur of her name. No feeling of acceptance, no slow rise thereafter, no touch in return to correct a strand of her hair with warm fingers lingering upon her cheek.

Instead there is emptiness as deep and overwhelming as the sea, perplexing, disorienting, storming, and cold. She peers into its maelstrom and knows that she ought to be there beneath it all, surrounding her, sealing her. That is the tomb she had chosen for herself for centuries, after all, basking in the safety of emptiness thus keeping the world safe in turn. How can emptiness feel so heavy and crippling, as if she's never experienced it before? Has she learned nothing?

No, she has learned something. It is the same lesson she has learned before-- ]

For those of his family and Eos, and for those of you who knew him, Somnus is no longer in Havenwell. I may only hope that he has returned to his homeworld in peace.

Please, let's all work together more to restore this world, so that perhaps those of us who wish to return to our worlds may also have the opportunity to return.

[ --that she must do what is necessary to secure the future of her world. She must return to her world. To return where she must be, to return to the state she had originally been in, to return to her Father and beg him for peace at last. Somnus has returned to his world, thereby ensuring its future. She has not forgotten that she, too, has the very same duty. Her love and her loss, this hollowness, this numbness-- she knows, she knows, it is painful, guilty; she ought not harbor any of these feelings. Yet terribly against her nature as it may be to experience emotions at all, they have one use in their turmoil and admiration for the world and all those in it: that they are reminding her, inspiring her to do what must be done to ensure that the future of her world remains. ]

A: Falconing. Morning.

He's gone, little partner. We are sorry. [ It's only Horus to whom she murmurs, the falcon unwittingly left behind by man who owned it. Presently the raptor is perched upon her arm, and she carefully strokes along the side of its neck as it turns its head side to side, seemingly awaiting a command. With a slight lift of her hand it takes flight, and a few moments later she tosses up bait for it to take.

To anyone watching her, she appears at peace. She is smiling and calm, watching the bird glide throughout the dilapidated buildings of the city. It circles her, awaiting its next morsel, and she throws another treat-- farther this time, and it dives after it.

It does not seem as if she notices that you may be approaching her. This may be odd to those who know her well enough to have noticed how normally attentive she is to her surroundings. ]

B: Returning from the Labs, Evening
[ For those of her who have known her throughout these months, they may also know by now that she is not shy to engage in contact.

Nothing has changed on that front, and so when you happen to join her on one of the streets, she will greet you with a pleasant, serene smile. As is also typical. ] Oh, are you heading this same way...?

[ Have a hand offered to you, fingers outstretched. Should you take it, her grip is light. To those who have taken her hand often before, this may seem odd. ] Let's walk together.

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Were any of you taken from different points in time? Or, perhaps post-death?

[ She knows Lup had somehow died, but it seems she had returned within the mechanics of her own world. She’s more interested in people being pulled right after death. ]

Edited 2020-05-01 03:11 (UTC)

There were others from my... universe who had also been pulled there.

[ She frowns at this; it's the first she's really spoken of it in a long while and it's no less unsettling. Some are also here, but they do not share a recollection of that shared time. ]

Some of them seemed to... experience... sleeping or disappearing and returning with new memories a few times, though to what extent, I do not know. There was another... [ Her son ] who had... informed me of occurrences that had taken place beyond my knowledge, so I feel that "my time" may be the one that is... behind. It no longer matters; I have no intention of returning to my universe.

[ Her chin raises. Honerva can be sure: she's listening. ]

How do you intend to do that?

... The means is beyond us at present.

[ Any plans, a flicker beyond her current vision, but she does not believe it impossible. However, all she has stated is intention; it is difficult to have control in a world that purposefully limits you. Pyra's hand is still held though there's a slight tenseness to the previously gentle touch. ]

We had not made the jump proper before this world ensnared us instead. A suitable alternative would need to be found once we know more of the true confines and intention of this universe.

[ After a long moment, she turns her gaze back to Honerva, her attention perhaps caught by the way her hand had tensed. ]

You mean to... abandon your world, even though you have more of “your time” there?

[ She is quiet for a long moment, though she is not looking at Pyra now. ]

... What I am abandoning is lifetimes of darkness and pain, for the chance to be happy, with those who have accepted me.

[ She'd had plenty of time there. More than she should ever have had at all, and so much of it spent as someone else. ]

One might even consider it a mutual benefit. That universe would be far better off without my presence, for what has already come of it.

Edited 2020-05-02 04:55 (UTC)

Mm, and you truly do have a wonderful family, here.

[ On the subject of Honerva not returning to her own world, however... Pyra abandons this topic. It's not worth touching upon if it will drive a wedge between them, and in any case, she's not currently mentally equipped to debate it. ] I am happy for you.

[ For what it is worth, though, she can sympathize of a world being better off without her. Only, the only way to possibly ensure she no longer exists is back in her own world, not in any other. ]

... yes, I do.

[ She knows it, appreciates it. Which is another reason why losses in this world are something that shakes her up, even if it is not happening to her directly. As much as she is here to support another, she does not trust herself to be able to handle any abrupt direct loss in any stable way. ]

There were others, meant to go with us, but... this world did not ensnare them.

[ Hard to know what happened there, but the implications were not pleasant. She draws a breath, exhales. Distractions were meant to be pleasant for both, that was not happening here. ]

Walk with me? Perhaps we may find a more comfortable place, if you would like to braid my hair.

[ It was pulled back, mostly to keep from catching on to anything, but certainly not with the ease and care of Pyra's braiding. ]

[ Walk with her, she asks, and so Pyra stands because she had no preference-- other than holding her hand while doing so.

She's answering questions that seem to broach uncomfortable subjects, diminishing herself, she's offering her hair to be braided again... This is how Honerva tries to offer comfort. Does Pyra seem this pathetic (her words, not Honerva's) after a loss, she wonders? She's here, isn't she? She's talking, she holding her hand. She isn't stagnant. ]

...You're really worried about me, aren't you?

[ Honerva rises to her feet as Pyra does, though tilts her head at her at the question. ]

... I am.

[ She wonders if that surprises Pyra, or if she had thought her incapable of it. Either way, she keeps her words simple, plain enough to carry their intent. ]

Strange as it must be to hear from me, I do care for you.

Not at all.

[ She shakes her head, casual. ]

You have a good heart.

[ To have a family here means that she's cared for and gives care in return. Not just anyone can have something like that. To Pyra, Honerva having a good heart means that she can care for another. ]

[ 'You have a good heart.'

Honerva takes to the statement as well as she usually does of a compliment of this nature, meaning her gaze abruptly drifts away and she shakes her head slightly in response, despite all else she's doing to try to comfort Pyra.

She labors under the belief that her heart is far too damaged for all the years of misuse to be called good, but she is capable of care, and deeply, when she does.

She doesn't know where to lead them, however; she knows Rawna's temple must likely be more comfortable for Pyra since she is here, so there must be a place to sit that allows for more space for braiding without the cloying reminders of that confession room. ]

[ Pyra isn't doing the leading as they walk this time, seemingly preoccupied, and will gladly be tugged along wherever.

She glances at her. ] Mmm....Nothing to say to that? Do you agree, then?

[ Knowing what she does know of Honerva, and how little she seems to value herself, she assumes that Honerva doesn't agree. She expected her to dismiss what she says; instead, there is silence on Honerva's end. ]

[ Once she sees Pyra isn't doing much directing, she'll just try and look for a more comfortable spot in the courtyard that's free of onlooking dragons and some flowers to spare but no vines. Not as easy to narrow down, so the walk will continue for a bit longer.

Until Pyra speaks, and inquires into her silence... she frowns. ]

You would not have liked to hear my answer, so I withheld it.

[ There's a skip in her step. Is this what their relationship has come to...? Honerva not feeling comfortable with giving her opinion, or what she feels. ]

Ah.

[ Her free hand moves up to her chest. Perhaps she's the one who has erred and not realized it. ] It's-- ....is what I say sometimes [ Or maybe, all the time-- ] overbearing?

[ She looks genuinely surprised at Pyra's sudden reaction. ]

That... was not my reason. I know you meant well, by it. It is only...

[ She gestures with her free hand around them, before bringing it back toward her. ]

I have... spoken to you once before, of the very reasons I cannot.... accept that sort of compliment in this very place.

[ In other words, she’s taking the route of better not say anything in response at all.

Somnus did this. Ah, too much? she had asked of him, often, fearing that what she said was weighing upon him in ways she might not understand. They weren’t, as it turns out. He appreciated her words; there were other circumstances which had made him steadily grow more silent and withdrawn over the course of his time here.

...

Still, the fear is there that she may overwhelm others. Or that others may fall silent, just like him.

Her lips purse. ]

Do not... be afraid to say what you feel. [ She attempts to encourage her, gently. ] I—.... know I’m sentimental. But I can handle it, I promise. [ She’d rather be upset than not know what Honerva is feeling at all. ]

... Silence does lead us toward our own interpretations, does it not.

[ Especially as one who does not emote particularly well. Here Pyra was looking to her for confirmation and guidance, and now she was worried about her own overstepping, when it was Honerva who had stepped poorly.

Such cycles were these, but she had come here to help her, not upset her. ]

I... did not wish for us to argue over whether the heart I have is truly... "good" or not, as much as I appreciate your ability to have this... unwavering sentiment toward others. Even when faced with a loss.

[ Pyra's goal is to eventually return to her world and do what she must to save it. Honerva has either looked uncomfortable about some sort of end-goal of returning to her world or shied away from it completely. They cannot agree on this, but Pyra does not want her opinion to put Honerva in a space that she would rather not be.

And that's part of the problem isn't the problem here, she believes. It's as if Honerva thinks that what Pyra is going through-- this loss-- is somehow... more important than how Honerva feels. ]

...Stop that.

[ She tilts her head. Usually, it's Lup saying that to her... but here she cannot circle upon the reason as to why Pyra would, in this moment. ]

... Was something unclear?

[ Wherever they are walking, she stops, turning to look at her. ]

Me-- losing... [ A breath. ] Somnus. [ Another pause follows. ] That doesn't override what you feel.

[ It had happened just in this very conversation, too. Honerva had attempted to distract her, but the subject had gotten too personal. As it is, Honerva is terrible at comforting her since Honerva appears to value herself so little. How can Pyra ever accept such comfort or distraction from her, knowing that it might put Honerva down? Or that she'll have to attempt to read her tells to know when it might be hurting her?

She's not like that! Or at least, she's trying not to be like that. Hurting others-- she fears it. She loathes it. She knows she's capable of it. She's still hurting others, and she will continue to do so into the future. "No other way" or not, it's a thing that must be done. She knows she's cruel, but she's attempting to do what she can to minimize how much pain she does cause.

She seems shaken.

Knowing others are hurting because of her, or that they're willing to hurt for her just so that she might feel better... it's even worse. It's awful. It's like knowing that her smiles and hugs are actually spears through another's chest. ] And if you think the answer is to conceal more or be better at hiding your pain--...

You're wrong.

Edited 2020-05-06 02:27 (UTC)

[ Honerva's surprise is visible when Pyra's words strike a chord. With her free hand tucked close to her chest, ears quite low as she listens, and struggles to figure out... how they got there, of all places. Even Pyra seems shaken, which she does notice. She reviews her own intentions for arriving there: Pyra had mentioned a loss, so she had gone to support her.

It had seemed... the right thing to do, but perhaps it was not. Perhaps she had simply made things worse for her now, because she was still all too clumsy with her own emotions and bearing. This was not supposed to be about her at all. ]

I do not... understand.

[ She says, her tone soft. ]

This... what you are going through, Pyra, has nothing to do with what I am -- enduring. I have long been the cause of enough pain for others. However, if your belief is... that this is the wrong answer, then what is it, that would... aid you now?

[ ”What you are going through, Pyra, has nothing to do with what I am -- enduring.”

”I have long been the cause of enough pain for others.”

There she goes again, putting herself lower than another. It’s like she doesn’t even realize that she’s doing it, the mentality insidiously natural. The silver lining is that Pyra can only be thankful that she might hear this, that Honerva doesn’t keep it all inside. It’s terrible either way. Steadying herself, she closes her eyes and draws a breath she doesn’t need to take. ]

Honerva.... [ She looks at her sympathetically, stepping forward. ] I can’t bear to accept your help when you harm yourself in the process.

[ Support, comfort— yes, she needs it. She needs it more than she even knows herself, stubbornly pushing forward. But she doesn’t need it when the one giving it hurts themselves. Honerva has to learn how to give aid without sacrificing her own well being. Otherwise what is the point? She deserves better than giving comfort to someone when it harms her. ]

[ Honerva looks toward her, feeling her step away but not releasing her hand, still not understanding the depths of those implications. Perhaps she is the one being misunderstood.

Perhaps she has always misunderstood. She has had much to overcome, but in part of what drives her is to step far away from what she has been. Sacrifice is ingrained in her; from her nature as an altean, even during those dark years in service to her lord. Were she to focus fully on herself she may not have had any cause to respond at all. The initial message had been plain, not even intended for her; it was only a statement, a way for Pyra to reaffirm her own beliefs in their cause toward this world, and alert others who may have been distressed at the notice of such a loss.

But for one who spoke so much of focusing on another, Pyra once more continued to lessen the focus on her own self. Did she not think, that Honerva could not see what she was doing? She'd asked after her almost immediately. Unfair, she had said. ]

... I do not feel that it is harming myself, to not add on to your burden in this situation. However... what would you consider fair? You have only asked for a hand and little more. It is not nearly enough.

[ A burden. A burden to listen to whatever Honerva may be feeling? How is it a burden, why would it ever be—

Pyra considers this: if Honerva says that of herself, doesn’t that also make whatever Pyra may admit to her also a burden to her in return?

Quietly, ]

Is... that what you think? One’s troubles... your troubles are burdens to others... ?

[ Pyra would never consider what Honerva says to her a burden, if she tells her anything at all. But that “if” makes what Honerva says a privilege, not at all some sort of weight upon her shoulders. ]

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