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Hey folks. PSA for you. Name's Lup, I own Affurgato. Congrats to those who've already met my fabulous self.

As a heads up: I'm a lich. Other terms include: undead, corpse-walker, monster, abomination. Someone screamed "The Raven's Misfortune" at me once and I thought that was delightfully poetic.

If you have a problem with this, you can eat my entire ass. If you want to BRING your problem to me, I'll be happy to set YOUR ass on fire.

Now, are there any deeply personal details I ought to know about you in order for us to be friends? Apparently I have trust issues and aren't accustomed to mortal cultural norms.

that's all, have a great day or whatever

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Mm... there's no gentle way to say this, dude. It sounds like the problem lies only with you and your own self-perception.

[A difficult problem to deal with, but simpler at least than trying to resolve multiple problems across multiple people.]

You're using other people as an excuse to hold back. You expect them to hate you the way you hate yourself, don't you?

I don't understand why they don't-

[Ardyn paused andsighed heavily, taking a few seconds to collect himself with a hand pressed to his face.]

...If my own brother would have so readily killed me and chosen to erase my very existence--even if it was what he thought was for the good of the kingdom, then why...why would anyone else do anything but hate me? More so, knowing what I've done to them in their past and my likely future. Why shouldn't I expect their hatred rather than compassion?

Those are questions for them, not me. Have you asked them?

[She suspects the answer is yes, judging by what he's said so far, and knowing what she knows of his family. She's met most of them - murder-brother included, though the murder part is a surprise - and they hadn't struck her as the perpetual-hating types.]

...They've been remarkably sensible about it, apart from the fact that being kind to me at all is the least sensible thing I can imagine. Somnus' descendants and their friends are straightforward and compassionate people that seem unwilling to condemn me for that which I haven't yet done.

Sounds like a bunch of kind, compassionate people who care a lot about you, enough that it supersedes your condition or whatever you might do in the future.

[Funny, that.]

...I'm afraid of failing them. Worse, of becoming the thing I might be in the future and repaying that kindness with nothing but suffering. And I--I don't know how to set such possibilities aside.

There isn't some magic button you can press to fix that sort of mentality. But if you just assume that you'll always think like that and don't bother trying to change it, then you definitely won't.

[She sips at her wine, liquid courage before she continues. She'd made an offer to talk, and... maybe understanding can go a little more towards helping him than just advice. Maybe it's okay to open up.]

...Liches are monsters, right to the core. Our souls are merged into our magical essence, and magic without mortal restraint is wild, untamed and dangerous. Most go insane and use their powers for unspeakable evils. The reason I didn't is because my heart and soul were tethered before I changed- one to my lover, and one to my twin. As long as I have both of them, I can stay stable.

[Another sip, as she closes her eyes for a long moment.]

Only Taako's here with me. For now, everything's fine, but people come and go so frequently that there's no guarantee he'll always be with me. I could wake up alone, and if I couldn't control the grief of losing him, I would lose my mind. The whole city'd be set ablaze. [Exhaling softly, she glances back over at him.] For a monster who cares about people, the future is a terrifying prospect. But learning how to control your thoughts, and the powers that are guided by them, it can be a little less scary than it ought to be.

[It was a concept uncomfortably easy to understand, and so he didn't question it. Ardyn remained very quiet in the moments following that, gradually piecing together how to express how much he could relate to the concept.]

...There was a point at which I could no longer restrain the plague I carried; the first time I completely lost myself and became a raging monster. The person I loved most dearly was killed trying to protect me, at the hands of someone I had once trusted and looked after for most of my life. I didn't...have anyone or anything before I came here. Just an eternity's imprisonment and a scientist chasing his favorite research topic.

[Less than ideal company.]

Learning to trust anyone here has been--still is a long process I am working my way through piece by piece. I don't want to lose control and kill anyone else, and I know my grasp on sanity as it stands is one dependent on those around me in an admittedly less tangible measure than you describe.

I'm...trying, is what I am attempting to say. Changing my own outlook and thoughts is difficult, but they have changed since I arrived. At least...I think they have?

I'm not the one who could tell you that, obviously. But it's worth some self-reflection, I think, and worth talking to those who might give you a better answer. If you think so, then it's likely they'll agree.

[She's no stranger to accidentally hurting the innocent. Not just the people who died to the gauntlet, though that number exceeds all others. She could have hurt Angus, or Kravitz, with a poorly-controlled blast of magic, in the midst of her desperation to alert or protect Taako. And back in the fleet, when she'd nearly lost herself, had she not been properly contained she could have shattered half the ship. There are so many dangers attached to power like this. But it's why what she's saying is so important.]

Your best bet is to keep trying. Rely on the people around you, yes, but let them help you so you can rely on yourself, in their absence. There seem to be plenty of folks who'd lend you a hand - myself included - but it never hurts to have a back-up plan, you get me?

...I think that I understand, yes. I'm fortunate to have those I can try to rely on here, and perhaps I should be less hesitant to reach out to them on occasion. Forgive me if I should sound resistant at all, it isn't that I want things to remain this way. Only...well, with difficult tasks often comes the fear of failure, doesn't it?

Oh, absolutely. I became a lich because I was tired of failing for 80 years, and then I failed for 20 more years afterwards. Fuck failure, it sucks all of the balls.

[She huffs a breath, draining her wine glass.]

I'm gonna tell you right now: you will fail. Probably a lot, considering the abundance of your issues here. So, you know what to do when you fail?

[Aware that 'languish in your regret' was likely the wrong answer, Ardyn shook his head.]

No, what?

The biggest of cliches: try, try, try again. And again and again and again. And a few more times for good measure.

[She grins at him, raising her empty glass as a toast.]

What, you think I was born with this confidence? This shit's learned, baby.

That sounds painfully difficult.

[A small, tired smile.]

What should happen if one isn't sure they can continue to try after failing a few times?

You do what most people are too proud to manage: ask for help with it until you're able to try again on your own. Rinse, repeat. That's the cycle, til you get it right.

[She gives a little wobble of her hand.]

Maaaaaybe with a few more improvised steps on the fly in between. Shit gets boring and kind of discouraging if you don't shake it up once in a while, you know?

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