hugtopia | 01. Primus

[Minato doesn't mind answering as well and it's justified too since he did ask something that was up for debate. It could be the same for Kaworu too. Asking about happiness is subjective all around, same with time, same with lots of things.

He does consider the question seriously, as he should, before answering.]

It depends on when you'd like me to frame when "time," in this case, has started. If we mean being here, then to me, it's not too long.

[But also not too short either. Though he does think to himself perhaps he's taking time here for granted, in that case.]

What would you consider a "long" time then, if we mean being here?

[ kaworu nods softly, seemingly satisfied with that answer - he is, in fact. It tells him little things about Minato that he can later ask. He'd ask now, but the question is turned to him. ]

To me, every moment is already long. [ he smiles brightly. it makes complete sense to him because Kaworu is dead,and Kaworu should not be here. He is not necessary here and he has no role here. Therefor, every minute he spends in this world is technically "too long".

He would, indeed, go back if given that option ]

Do you like this place?

[Minato wonders about an existence where moments are long. But then he thinks he's had that sort of experience before. Less so recently.

The follow up is another good question. Minato wonders as well if what he's saying is helpful to Kaworu at all.]

It might be easier to like it instead of resenting it since we have no choice in when we leave.

[So why expend the effort in being upset? It's easier at this rate to just go with it.

There's something about Kaworu though, for some reason, that makes it easy to talk to him. The simplicity of the questions or seeming innocence of them, even if they may not be so at all? But Minato will take them for what they are on the surface level since they don't seem harmful in any way.]

I don't mind. If it means I can live again.

[ easier to accept circumstances rather than fight what one can't change. While Kaworu firmly believes one can change as long they desire it, it is true there are always limits. Such is the nature of Lilin and humans. But while certain things can not be changed, one can still change the way they look at them.

And Minato chose his way, a vision he is more readily to accept.

That last comment leaves kaworu more curious though]

Live again?

It seems like while I'm here, I'm alive. At home, I'm not.

[Minato's figured that he's alive or living here, at least, from what he can make of this existence. He's got his soul or part of it now. That must mean something.]

I see. [ Death of an individual is not something that upsets Kaworu. It's something natural, and not something that saddens him, for he looks at the whole rather than one single person individually (unless you are Shinji). He is aware of how humans hold on to their individuality and the strong need to look at the individual, but he does not comprehend how one holds so much importance.

So the thought that Minato being dead, does not sadden him, nor leaves him awkward and guilty, nor causes him sorrow. To him, it's a fact.

But he asks because he knows how Lilin hold on to their individuality with their lives: ] Does it upset you, that you are gone in your world?

[Minato shakes his head. But that is also a fair question. The point is to live. He's had his reasons for giving up his own.]

I wanted that. Doing it meant other people could live instead.

[It's not meant to be arrogant or show off or anything. By that point when he made his decision, it was just what he thought was right to do.]

Telling you wasn't meant to make you unhappy either.

[Since he doesn't mean to do that at all.]

You have sacrificed yourself for others. [ not a question, but a fact. Kaworu knows this]

Was it a difficult choice, to give your life for other people? [ death always scared Lilin, didn't it?]

[That was an easier question to answer. Minato smiles slightly and shakes his head once more.]

I'd do it again.

[Maybe it was the only choice. But he still chose it.]

But does that bother you or worry you at all?

[ kaworu blinks ] Death does not bother me, no. It's part of the existence you lead and this force can not be fought when the time comes. Therefor, you may as well make peace with it.

If you look at the world, through the trillions of years of its existence, you will see things appearing and disappearing. And humans are part of it. Your egos personalize you and bring forth the desire to be unique, but in the end, you are still part of the whole, which is always transforming -appearing and disappearing. [ and that's the whole Kaworu sees when he looks at Minato - or anyone really. ]

In the end, death will be there. As the ultimate freedom.

[Minato wonders if it's the desire to be unique or if they really are all unique and just part of a whole. That's getting maybe a bit too granular and maybe not as important as the idea of being one in the first place.]

To live is to die. They are one in the same.

[He's stealing that line from someone who was much wiser than he was but also someone so very close to him. But the point is still, given this existence, to live.]

You've thought about this a lot.

[It also makes Minato wonder if Kaworu's taking the opposite approach like some other people at home had: That if death is the ultimate freedom, then may as well end all life instead.]

[ kaworu acknowledges Lilin's individuality despite not having it himself, nor fully understanding it. In a way, he'd accept that they are all unique in their own way, but still part of the whole in the end.

He nods softly ] I've experienced death myself, and will experience it many more times to come. That is my role as well.

[Then Kaworu has also died. But is alive again, here or wherever he might be.]

Why do you have to experience it more than once?

[What or who exactly is Kaworu then? But it is kind of nice to talk to someone who isn't afraid of death or has this kind of feeling about it. To anyone else, they might sound pretty morbid or macabre, but the issue of death is also ordinary or happens all the time.]

[ not by choice. Honestly, he thinks he should just go back to being dead. ]

It's my role. Everytime I die, I am meant to enter a new cycle of rebirth. I will redo this many times, until my role is fulfilled and then, my existence will no longer be necessary. I believe I will no longer be reborn then. [ he is very okay with this, in fact. There is no sorrow in voice, and he speaks gently and softly, with a smile that he means 100% ]

I was waiting to enter a new cycle when I was brought here. I am unnecessary here, and yet here I remain. I hope they will realize I ought to be sent back soon. [ there is no need to have him here ]

What role is that, if I can ask?

[Kaworu has spoken a lot about his role that sounds really important to however his world works at home. Minato has a role at home too, though he's already passed. He understands why someone or several people do want to want to go home. They all have things to do.]

And while we're here, time stops at home. We'll go back to the exact point we left.

I am meant to make a boy named Ikari Shinji happy. Or rather, pave the way so he will be happy. [ and that is the single most important thing in Kaworu's life ] The world will always hurt him one way or another, but he still can find happiness.

And each cycle, he will come closer to it. When my existence is no longer necessary, it will be finally the cycle where Shinji-kun will be able to see beyond the hurt and be happy. [ kaworu smiles even wider ] I hope that time comes soon.

Edited 2020-09-13 21:29 (UTC)

How do you plan on making him happy?

[That seems like a lot of pressure on Kaworu. And it seems like something happens every time to thwart his plans.]

Isn't it also part of his responsibility to feel happy, too?

Of course, happiness must come from within him. It has to start from him.

[ kaworu smiles softly, looking down at the violin in his lap ] Lilin can never completely erase sadness because all are fundamentally alone. Therefore, pain is something that Lilin must endure in their hearts. But they can't see that life doesn't have to be just pain. In order to stop loneliness, it's necessary to open their hearts to someone and accept love. Only this way you won't feel the permanent loneliness of the heart.

[ kaworu looks back at Minato with a smile ] It is my role to love him, so he can see that love. In this place, he has seen love from another person, thus I am unnecessary.

Which is why, there is no reason for me to be here.

Edited 2020-09-13 22:17 (UTC)

[There's that word again. "Lilin." Minato does want to ask about it and gets an inkling as to what Kaworu is hinting at with its meaning. And at least there's the acknowledgement that happiness has to come from inside; Kaworu doesn't have to do all of the heavy lifting. There's responsibility on both sides.]

You make it sound like "Lilin" are human beings. And that you aren't one.

[Which is still totally fine, if it's true. Kaworu sort of reminds him of that someone close to him. Maybe two someones. Minato smiles a bit in return.]

But what about you? Don't you deserve to be loved too?

[ the idea is for kaworu to eventually have no responsibility at all, since he is not really meant to exist with Shinji. ] Humans are part of Lilin. And I am not one, no - humans call my kind "Angels". [ ~~which probably sounds very nice at first until you get to know Kaworu's canon and then you just go "ah no".~~ ]

It doesn't matter, I'm unimportant.

But is Ikari-san here?

[If the point is to make Shinji happy, then if this person is here, then that's a reason to be here? He'll add the -san on to the last name since he's not sure if this person is older than him or not. But if he's not here, then there are still other reasons to be here besides being unable to leave.

And that term. Angels. Well, then definitely not "human," whatever "human" may be in his world or any world. Minato nods again, thinking about it.]

And being unimportant doesn't exclude you from being loved.

He is. And he already found happiness, he learned what he had to in order to be happy. [ so that reason is null. He is pretty much just "my work here is done" (even though he didn't really do anything). ]

If I were to be loved, it means I'd have some sort of importance. That's not needed.

[So that's why he feels like he doesn't need to be here.]

Do you feel happy for him that he's found happiness?

[It's interesting though, having one's entire purpose in life dependent on one person. Also, he's kind of glad that Kaworu doesn't mind talking so much about feelings or perspectives on life or death. A heavy conversation to have with someone he just met. Granted, he thinks back to about a year ago and thinks at that time, he'd never have a conversation of this level with anyone ever.]

You mean both love and importance aren't necessary to you? Maybe we need to define what you mean by "love."

Yes, I do. I am so glad, so deeply happy. [ and he means it all. That is Kaworu's whole existence, right there. Why he allowed for his kind to die, why he was killed, and why he was so ready to enter continuous timeloops where only he would remember what happened before. ]

Love is the desire of wanting one to live, even if your own death will follow. The desire for happiness, finding it in another. [ but he shakes his head softly ] It's fine if you don't see it the same way. You are free to decide by yourself and to feel your own idea of love.

[Minato is at least glad that Kaworu is happy and that he did get what he wanted. It's something.

That definition sounds familiar.]

No, you're okay. It's a good way of putting it. You might not view yourself as important or deserving, but that doesn't mean you inherently aren't.

[He hopes it's not overstepping as he says this, given that yes, they've only just met.]

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