hugtopia | How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,

[It's a distinction he's using more as an excuse that anything. He's not going to assume humans from other worlds can't be just as careless and cruel... but maybe they're at least more willing to make the effort to be understanding, without having ever experienced the conflict between humans and wizards.]

If you want to thank me, then you can do so by making sure I never have to regret it.

...And you've hardly been useless. Even if you were limited due to hiding yourself, you were always offering your assistance with restoring the islands.

[As for this place, he's going to have similar problems. But he can still help, if that's what he wants.]

Having magic doesn't make you more or less useful... it comes down to how you use it, the same as you would use your own hands and strength.

I'll never... be able to... prove that until... I'm fully dead...

[He says that with a huff and wry tone that's partially ruined by his rasping. He's going to thank Faust regardless and Faust knows it.

The rest renders him quieter. Part of him wants to insist that it's not enough, but he's also touched that Faust would think otherwise. It's the final comment that outright throws him. He looks up, blinking.]

You... really think that...? I would've... I would've thought...

[He trails off.]

[He doesn't bother responding to that. But he raises a brow at his question.]

Would have thought what? Spit it out.

[His head bows.]

Sorry... it was... a stupid thing... [He frowns, more at himself than anything.]

It's just... magic is... important to you... and... with how you feel... of humans... the difference that... having magic makes... [He rubs at his bittnen arm.]

I mean, it's not just... you... I thought it myself... that... what you and... everyone else could do... You were better... You could do more... So to hear... you say that... that having magic... doesn't really matter... I didn't expect it...

...You're putting words in my mouth. When did I say it doesn't matter? And we're "better" because we can do more? Good grief...

[He pinches the bridge of his nose for a moment. He may not be like the humans who hate wizards, but this is still so very human of him...]

Your mistake is in assuming that magic is something you simply have and use, like a tool or weapon that we put away when we're not using it. Think of it this way... imagine you were born with wings. On the surface, one might think this means you're simply a human with the ability to fly, right? But having wings isn't just an ability or tool... it means having two more limbs than everyone else. They're always a part of you even when you're not in the air, and you can move them independently in ways you can't move your other limbs, and you can feel the world around you in ways no other human can... and if your wings are bound or injured, you'll feel discomfort and pain no human can understand. You can't simply hold them still and cover them up and say that makes you the same as anyone else.

Our magic isn't limitless, and overextending it can be exhausting and even lethal. Magic is tied into who I am- a part of my soul. It also doesn't make me more or less useful. Both of these statements are true, because who I am is not decided by how effectively I can be used.

[There's a clear edge to those last words.]

Humans fear wizards, but that doesn't always manifest as hate. Some humans worship us as if we're gods because of what we can do. They would elevate us, while others believe we look down on them to begin with and so try to subjugate us. That's why humans and wizards can never live alongside each other... there's no overcoming that divide...

So don't speak of me as if I'm better than you because of what magic is capable of. I expected better of you.

Edited 2022-02-15 00:50 (UTC)

That's-- not--

[He didn't mean it like that. He swears he didn't. But he shuts up when Faust goes on because this is far more important.

He's misunderstood. He's maybe misunderstood everything about Faust this whole time as that metaphor reveals. There are names for humans with wings, even if they only exist in myth and stories, just as wizards and witches. But he didn't understand. He's... he's so stupid.

He flinches, because using Faust was never his intention, nor even suggesting it. He already considered it to be unfair and he's avoided using Faust for his power or expecting anything magic from him since he learned. And even still he's misstepped.

That's why humans and wizards can never live alongside each other... there's no overcoming that divide...

No overcoming that divide. Not even with him.

I expected better of you.

He hears those words in another voice. A woman's that he doesn't recognize, something from his fractured memory but something that makes no sense with feelings that make no sense. He's having trouble focusing, the moment splintering in his mind. He swallows hard.]

... Sorry...

[He draws his goggles back over his eyes, his head back down, and his gaiter up. Unsteadily, he gets to his feet.]

I'm... gonna go walk... I'm sorry.

[He knows it's a lot to throw at him, but it's frustrating that he doesn't seem to have grasped such a basic concept when he's spent this much time trying to be a friend to him... but maybe that's unfair. There was a lot Teo didn't understand about him and his world to begin with, yet with every stumble he tries his best to make it right.]

[But sometimes he tries to run away. It would be easy enough to just let him go... but he's not satisfied leaving things like this. He shifts where he's standing to place himself between Teo and the door.]

No. I'm not trying to chase you away. I expected better of you because I'm willing to trust you. For any other human I wouldn't expect anything of them at all... I know you didn't have ill intent.

But if you want to be alone, this is your house; I'll go.

[He does want to run. That fact is undeniable. But he also doesn't want to burden Faust with trying to make him feel better about the fact he screwed up. He screwed up, trampling over things that were intrinsically important to Faust, assuming he understood, or even understood better. Now, between that, his memories, and the fear he's ruined things for good, he feels panic building that he only half understands and that's not fair to put on Faust.

Which is why he doesn't know what to feel when Faust blocks his way out. His gaze darts to the window considering it for a split second. But then he's blurting--]

No...! [He coughs.] No...

[Breathe, he tells himself. Breathe. Not because he needs it, but to focus.]

I don't... want you... to go... I don't... want to hurt you... I'm... glad you... trust me... [Those words come out particularly quiet, not quite believed, but treasured.] My head's... um... scrambled... things... old things... Want to... do things right... [He tugs at his hood.]

[If Teo had asked him to leave, he would have turned and left, even if he wouldn't have been very happy about the conversation ending that way either. But it's not too surprising that he doesn't. He knows well enough he doesn't want to hurt him... though the mention 'old things' and his head feeling scrambled has him looking at him more acutely, concerned.]

...Did you remember something?

[An inhuman keening escapes from him before he can stop it. It distantly reminds him of the sounds some dead would make when there wasn't a living creature in sight and they were slumped upon the ground, head bobbing in sick and hungry misery. He doesn't need that memory crowding his head right now.]

Vague... Something... Dis... appointing... again... Being afraid... Don't go...

[He keeps tugging at his hood.]

[It's not a pleasant sound. He thought his demeanor was because of his shame, but it seems he's touched on painful memories too... his tone is softer.]

...I'm not going anywhere. You should sit back down.

[He does as he's told, meandering back to the couch he was sitting at. He wants to scrub at his face and clear his head. He wants to keep the gaiter and goggles where they are so he stays hidden. He compromises by pushing up his goggles alone.]

Sorry... I know you're... right... I'm trying... to do better...

[Even if it feels like he's going to run out of chances any day now. He has to. He's already been so careless...]

[It's another moment or two, but Faust finally sits down himself once Teo is settled, joining him on the couch with some space between them.]

...You're doing fine. I didn't need to be quite so harsh, so I apologize for that... I can't expect you to know everything about how magic works in my world. And in my world one doesn't just wake up one day and gain the ability to use magic, so that's new for me too. I can't speak for what your experience with that magic will be like... I'm not going to scorn you for it, either way...

But don't use me as an excuse to put yourself down. You can be a pain sometimes, but you've never been useless... and I'm not someone to look up to, for any reason.

[He shakes his head. Faust had every right to be harsh. He should be able to take it. It just... winded him for some reason.

But, the assurance that he's not doing as badly as he feels he is does help, a little. He glances at Faust, then bobs his head.]

I felt... so useless... in my world... in that one... Even helping... it didn't feel... enough...

[He smiles sadly behind the gaiter.]

And you're amazing... no matter what... you say... you all were... I wasn't like that... And with how much... you hate humans... I just... I just figured... [His hands tangle with one another.] You let me near... either way... because you're kind... but me being human... even a changed one... would always make me... worse...

[His eyes close.]

That's what... I remembered... I wasn't enough... Disappointing... passed along... I wasn't enough... I couldn't make myself... be enough... I was scared... but I've... remembered similar... sometimes I just... didn't care anymore...

[His eyes reopen. His brows furrow.]

I don't want... to give up... even if... I can't close... that divide... I want to try...

[He listens quietly, even if he doesn't agree with his assertion that he's amazing, or that any of the others were somehow more than him. But he can see why, when he's already dead as he is with a dangerous body... but it's looking like he felt that way when he was alive, too.]

...I warned you from the start that you may not like the person you remember. What was it you said then... you could change. You have nothing, so you could find everything. It was those words that convinced me it was worthwhile to let you live... despite the risks.

[It's tempting to walk away from this conversation. This isn't like that dreamscape, where reality was a little more nebulous. He doesn't want to be this... open. But he's been hurting Teo again... those thorns will just stay thorns if he looks the other way.]

That divide isn't your responsibility. Your world doesn't even have wizards... if you were the Sage it would be a different story, but both of us are away from our own worlds. It... may not be entirely fair of me to judge the humans of other worlds by those standards, but...

[It's clearly difficult for him to have even said that, and there's still bitterness in his expression.]

It's easy to believe that everything would turn out the same on another world... when the humans of my world haven't changed in centuries, if not thousands of years... they chose not to change... [He sighs sharply, shoulders tense.] But that's only what could happen. You shouldn't have to repent for sins before you've committed them. That you're trying to be better than that is enough.

[...]

But I'm not saying that out of kindness... I'm not kind.

[Just throwing that in there.]

[He says nothing at First. He was warned. He remembers. And it wasn't as if the thought hadn't crossed his mind before all on its own. He might've been terrible.

He also remembers saying that and it makes his head duck. He's gained a lot. He has... something now. He's not sure if it's a life but it's something good. Now he has the fear of losing it.

He looks up as Faust continues. Sometimes he doesn't understand the stillness of his heart. Don't you hear this? Aren't you moved? But it remains as it is.

A hidden smile reaches his eyes.]

You are kind... But... I'll keep it secret...

[As if Faust is fooling anyone who knows him.

He reaches out a hand, gloved and protected.]

Humans... are assholes... I should've just... admitted it... that it was true... But I hoped you'd... find some of the... good ones... hope you... still do...

Edited 2022-02-17 00:38 (UTC)

[He gives him a gloomy look that says no, I'm not kind, stop saying that- but he doesn't otherwise say anything. He looks instead at his outstretched hand.]

...

[Should he be trying to get used to casual contact, here? That would probably make things easier in the long run, but... ugh, this is a foolish thing to overthink. He reaches out to take his hand.]

...Not all of them are so bad. There's the Sage, and yourself... Cock Robin and Kanaria... a few others, here and there... there are some that at least try to accept us. Of course, a handful of humans with good intentions isn't going to change very much...

[He guides Faust down to sit with him. It's a silly thing to do, but he wants that closeness, especially if they're going to talk as they are.

It's strange to hear such a thing coming from Faust. It sounds more like something that would come from him. It's flattering to be included in a list of good ones, even with Faust's assurances that he thinks better of him. His brain skitters and skips a little over the one name in there, and it takes him a minute to remember the rhyme-- after all Faust wouldn't be out here calling some random human a cock guzzler so casually. He notes the other name, Kanaria, and hopes to hear more, if just because four good people is not enough at all. But that's it. Just a handful of humans as Faust says.]

No... probably not...

[He frowns, brows furrowing.]

I believed that... your world could...change in time... Because... mine has... People always... find reasons to hate... but... years go by... people push and fight... and have good intentions... Years ago... someone like me... would've been treated... like dirt... and a hundred years ago... even worse, probably... So I hoped... for you... but... it's never enough... never fast enough... never perfect...

[He huffs a breath and tries to shake off the melancholy that thought brings.]

I can't believe... someone named... their kid... Cock Robin....

[He's a little reluctant, but he allows himself to be guided, his hand a little stiff in Teo's as he doesn't pull away. He could take his hand back himself, but... they both know there's a reason for keeping the contact going. That's all it is...]

[Old bitterness and hatred of his own rise back up as Teo goes on, though it's just a quiet simmer beneath the surface as it often is.]

Humans had their chance to change, four hundred years ago. But you saw how that turned out.

[That night that he peeked in on his old nightmare. But the comment on Cock Robin's name makes him blink, then his eyes narrow.]

Care to elaborate?

[He did see. It was horrible. It hadn't been fair and it never will be. So he says nothing to that, his shoulders sagging with the weight.

He's a little surprised by the way Faust's vehemence turns in a different direction, but at least it's easy enough to answer.]

The rhyme... it's... an old rhyme... centuries old... The bird is killed... his name is... Cock Robin... The rhyme tells... of his death... and funeral... Naming your kid... after one who... is murdered... seems sort of... cruel, doesn't it...?

[And that's beside the suggestiveness. A kid named that in his time would've been bullied mercilessly.]

[He figured he was going for the suggestive angle, but maybe not after all...]

...I wasn't aware of such a rhyme. But our worlds aren't the same, so it could have a different origin in mine. Not that I care what humans decide to name their children... and even if he's made an effort to accept wizards, he's still a servant of Central Kingdom...

[The latter is spoken with clear distaste.]

[He's glad he didn't go that angle, given Faust's reaction. But just after getting defensive over the man, he dismisses him.]

What does... that mean...? Servant of... Central Kingdom... Is that someplace... bad...?

[He hesitates a moment. He only told him of Alec in relatively vague terms, didn't he...]

...The kingdom of today's Central Country was founded four hundred years ago by Alec Granvelle, first of the Granvelle royal family.

[It's still hardly a full explanation, but assuming Teo hasn't already forgotten, it should be enough to answer the gist of his question.]

[His eyes go wide and round. He stares, dumbly, his mouth even more twisted up than usual. Slowly, marginally, his head begins to shake.]

No... No...

[He doesn't know why he's saying that. It's clearly what happened. But the idea is so repulsive, it just doesn't sit right in his mind. They made him king. They made that rotten murderous bastard king.]

That... rat...! That b-- [He tries to speak too fast, falling into a fit of coughing.]

Do... do they know...?

[Teo's horrified reaction isn't a surprise at this point, though he can't get any satisfaction out of it. It's far too late for it to mean anything... although he can at least appreciate that he feels that way, when so many humans would rather cheer as he burned.]

[His grip on Teo's hand tightens a fraction, whether at his coughing fit or his attempts to insult Alec, it's hard to say.]

No. There's no record of my execution, or any persecution that followed... very few know the truth of what happened, which now includes you.

[Welcome to the club, do you feel special?]

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