hugtopia | text;

Entry tags:

text;

Hey folks. PSA for you. Name's Lup, I own Affurgato. Congrats to those who've already met my fabulous self.

As a heads up: I'm a lich. Other terms include: undead, corpse-walker, monster, abomination. Someone screamed "The Raven's Misfortune" at me once and I thought that was delightfully poetic.

If you have a problem with this, you can eat my entire ass. If you want to BRING your problem to me, I'll be happy to set YOUR ass on fire.

Now, are there any deeply personal details I ought to know about you in order for us to be friends? Apparently I have trust issues and aren't accustomed to mortal cultural norms.

that's all, have a great day or whatever

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You HID things from me Lup.

[Immediate, upset, the little "typing" indicator lingers for a long time after that. Uncertainty rewriting and rewording things over and again.]

I did not mean to make it seem like you are intolerable. I'm sorry for that.

Whether you chose to acknowledge it as such I placed a great deal of trust in you. Perhaps I was too quick to do so. Strange to say for one accused of nothing but paranoia. You may not see it that way but you broke that trust. I don't know that there is any reparation for that.

[He doesn't get a quick reply, either. She knew it. Shew knew it, didn't she? She fell in too deep. This was supposed to be casual, just a bit of fun on the side. Stupid. So, so stupid of her to try.]

Here's my perspective. I have a lot of secrets. I'm sure you have a few of your own, none of which I'd expected from you except what was freely given. I'm sorry that you feel hurt by this, but at the same time I can't pretend to apologize for doing right by me. I guess I had different expectations about what we had.

What you saw that day is something deeply personal, an identity I've guarded for thirty years from all but my closest family. And I'd kept it even from them for several years before I was prepared to share it. This place outed me against my will, and I could get pissed off about that, but whatever, I've made it an open truth on my terms now. But back then when you asked me if it was a spell, I could have lied. You might never have known. I trusted you with that truth before I was ready to share it.

If you consider this a breach of trust, and if you think you're owed my deepest secrets because we're friends, or because we're fucking, then it's better that we end things now. You won't like what else I haven't shared with you.

[And probably won't for a good long while, if ever, after this.]

I expected you to be open with me. As you told me to be over and over again. I may not have bored you with all the details of my life but I have NEVER lied to you, intentionally kept something from you, and would never even CONSIDER doing such.

That lying to me about it was even an option, I think, says a great deal about how mistaken I was. Perhaps it is because of my inexperience with these things. I do not know how to give only a part of myself to someone I care for. Everything is on the table or nothing is.

Maybe that is foolish. Maybe that means this was inevitable. I don't mean to imply that I am entitled to anything from you. But I was of the understanding that we shared something that would warrant such trust.

For what it's worth I am sorry that this has hurt you. That I have hurt you.

Lying is always an option; what matters is the choice. At least, that's how I've always felt. I made a choice and the outcome still fucked me over. Doesn't feel great.

This isn't about trust. You're viewing this as a reflection or a slight against you and how I view our relationship, but I never saw it that way. This is about ME getting to make a choice about MY body and MY identity. Relationships aren't an open door to an immediate all or nothing. You have to give another person the time and space to share pieces of themselves as they feel comfortable to do so- to trust that they will, in their own time. Another person's comfort doesn't have to align with your schedule.

I'm not trying to imply that you must abide by some schedule of mine. I'm also not trying to take away your ability to make choices for yourself.

I already said I was mistaken. I made assumptions I didn't even realize I had made until I saw you in that form. It may not be an immediate all or nothing for you but crossing that line IS for me. I have no secrets from Regis and he none from me. I can confidently say the same for Will. And what intimacy we share only began AFTER he was ready to share those last secrets with me.

It seems foolish, now, to think that I could possibly know you so well after only a year. Not when you have so many more than I can even fathom. But I thought I did. I was wrong. The fault for that lies squarely on my shoulders.

I'm not trying to say this is all your fault. You're allowed to have your own feelings on the matter, too, and to an extent I can respect the issue you have. I just want you to know my perspective on things.

I'm hundreds of years old, and I grew up knowing that keeping my secrets would keep me alive. I can't be like you, and sharing hidden parts of myself doesn't come naturally. I don't need to know everything that another is hiding for me to be intimate with them. Hell, I've had nights where I barely knew their name. For me, sex is fun, it doesn't have to be making love. When you told me that your king already held your heart, I thought I understood your expectations of this. You had him, and you had Will, and I was fine with being a slice of mutually beneficial fun on the side.

I meant what I said before, I didn't lie to you. How I feel and what I want, how you feel and what you want- that's the sort of communication needed for this to work between multiple people. I can see now that we should have had a longer conversation about it, and that's my bad. You're still learning.

Is what you want a relationship with no secrets?

I suppose that is the fundamental difference. Keeping secrets kept you alive. Keeping secrets would endanger those dearest to me.

You know some of what has befallen Eos in my time. One of the things that set that in motion was secrets kept by a man I considered like a brother. Perhaps the only friend I've ever made for myself. It was a betrayal that cost us both King and Kingdom.

Secrets have their place in war and in battle. They are not something I can not abide in my personal relationships. However much I insist to the contrary it seems. However much reason says that such expectations are absurd.

I'm sorry but yes. That is what I need.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry you were betrayed like that. No one deserves it. I can relate a little, though not quite on that scale, so I can't blame you if it's something you're not able to overcome.

[It's a sad answer, but at the same time she can feel a heavy weight lifted off her shoulders, too. It hurts less, to finally know for sure, and it isn't much of a surprise to her. Like she knew months ago and only needed the confirmation from him to make it official.]

All right. Thanks for the honest answer. It was fun while it lasted, so thanks for that, too.

Is this a downgrade to friendship, or are you going back to pretending I don't exist? Just so I know where I stand. I can ignore you at public events if that's your preference, but I won't avoid going, either.

You know I don't care for big gatherings. I hardly wanted to go anyway.

[The pause between that message and the next is so clearly a moment to sigh in exasperation at himself it's nearly audible in the silence.]

Which I should have been clearer about to his Majesty. I truly do not want to make things uncomfortable for you. And perhaps, in time, merely a "downgrade" will work. I think it will be some time before I'm ready for that.

[....

Yep, there's that tiredness again. She needs to get out of this before something snaps.]

A "no" is what I'll take from that. I'd rather burn it early than keep my hopes up for a maybe.

Do us all a favour and have this conversation with Honerva. Hurt her now while she's ready for it and get it over with.

Bye, Cor.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

text;

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject