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Hey folks. PSA for you. Name's Lup, I own Affurgato. Congrats to those who've already met my fabulous self.

As a heads up: I'm a lich. Other terms include: undead, corpse-walker, monster, abomination. Someone screamed "The Raven's Misfortune" at me once and I thought that was delightfully poetic.

If you have a problem with this, you can eat my entire ass. If you want to BRING your problem to me, I'll be happy to set YOUR ass on fire.

Now, are there any deeply personal details I ought to know about you in order for us to be friends? Apparently I have trust issues and aren't accustomed to mortal cultural norms.

that's all, have a great day or whatever

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[ She follows Lup's lead, settling down next to her, still noting how worn she seems. ]

Ah, so you mean to invite Pyra and Era as well...? Perhaps that is suitable. These past few months have not been particularly kind.

Yeah, no kidding.

[Well, kinder to some than to others, maybe. The other two seem pretty happy with their current circumstances. Lup can't begrudge them for that, she's not bitter, exactly. Tired is the more apt description.]

Era at least should see the place before she makes a decision. And I dunno, Pyra would probably be into it. Dimensional magic seems right up her alley.

She's very inquisitive, so I'm certain she would be quite delighted by it.

[ But now it's her turn to sigh a little, distracted. ]

Although, I wonder if she does not still feel... poorly... for what happened a few months ago. Perhaps it would ease her discomfort, to know she was still welcome to such things. She has already had some... strange ideas.

Strange ideas? How do you mean?

[Lup tilts her head curiously at that, her ears curved upwards. She's not surprised that Pyra might feel guilty about what happened - it was pretty damned intense - but she's not sure about the rest.]

[ Honerva's ears have noticeably lowered, but she takes a sip of her own cocoa before responding. ]

She believes... that I ought to have a birthday of my own. She'd seemed so insistent upon the idea.

...Is that a problem?

[Considering she and Taako had chosen their own, it doesn't sound like a bad idea to Lup.]

I... know not. It -- is not something I've had to consider before. I suppose it is difficult to stop thinking of why it would not... be appropriate, for someone like me.

[ The idle considerations of different seasons and not finding anything that felt suitable. Mostly, she is reminded of her son and all she could not give him, for all this had been an innocent, whimsical suggestion. ]

But for her insistence it also did not seem fair to... deny others that chance.

The hell does that even mean? You having a birthday has nothing to do with other people.

[She's probably doing that unnecessary guilt thing again, so better nip that in the bud.]

... I find it difficult to suddenly have to choose for myself something which I could not honor my son with for all those years.

[ She sets the cup down. ]

But what I could not give then I can make certain others have now.

Stop that.

[Lup drums her fingers against the mug, gaze fixed on the floor in front of her.]

Don't let yourself be indebted to things you couldn't help.

Be indebted...

[ She's quiet for a long moment, exhales softly, and shakes her head slightly. ]

... I suppose were it anyone else, I might say the same.

[ With certain people especially, she's finding that it happens more often than not. ]

Perhaps... I have understood the lack of it for so long that the thought of that sort of recognition is... alarming, to me. When I should be grateful that someone wished for me to have that, despite... everything.

You can't help how you feel. But you can't just pretend it's normal, either. Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away.

[Which is rich, coming from her, but she thrives on that sort of mentality. Honerva had retracted; she was getting better through pushing herself or allowing herself to be pushed. There's a stark difference between functional and non, and to Lup, the key is self-control over one's own thoughts. Honerva isn't there yet.]

I'm not saying you have to broadcast it to the world. But it's good to think about, in my opinion. It's important to let yourself believe that your life's worth celebrating, even if it's only you doing it.

[ Sorting out where one stands within being bounced to and from extremes, of long, deeply rooted influences and the guilt and regret that made up the underside, was a delicate balancing act and one that Honerva still had a way to go in mastering. It was far too easy to lose sight of her own way or her own needs depending on which current was stronger, and the experience over a month ago had shaken that up considerably.

To believe that her own life was worth celebrating, for no other reason than that it was hers... there was something powerful in that. Not something to be demanded of others and not something to be denied because she had failed so many by not... being what she should have.

Still, she couldn't help how she felt. And to make a choice on the matter was all the more pressure; what would fit? What would be close enough to her heart to feel right, when there was nothing to compare it to otherwise? Look at her, making something that should be simple so difficult when it doesn't have to be. ]

... Yeah.

[ She exhales. Lup has always been Lup, but Honerva has not always been Honerva. She was writing her own present and future now, no matter what. Either way, she sits closer, so they're both snug on the floor of this basement they were building, reaching over to pull her closer in a half hug to not disrupt the food in front of them, and laughs softly despite everything. ]

It is... worth thinking about. It feels like such a thin line, at times. Perhaps the meaning I had been unable to grasp in it was that it means something, to be here, with you. In order to that, I must also matter... to myself.

[ Hard not to think of how Lup had reacted while she was poisoned, either... was she truly so consistently foolish, to not be able to help her when she needed it? Even now, she knew, Lup was caught up in something else, her own torment, maybe something she didn't think Honerva was strong enough to face. But she was here, so she would not be alone with it. ]

[Lup waits while she thinks it through, listening quietly as she sips at her cup, and when Honerva pulls her in she moves with no resistance, tucked up against the other woman with a soft exhale of her own.]

Now you're getting it.

[For some, that is without doubt the most difficult part, but it's also the most crucial. Without value in oneself, everything else becomes a little harder- accepting help, valuing others in relation to yourself, being open and honest rather than self-deprecating. There are so many layers.]

Like this basement. You need a solid foundation to build on before you can finish the place.

[ 'You... really can't accept anything for yourself, can you?' Pyra had asked. For her to be open to the thought that she could do such a thing, without harming the others around her, it would take a lot of work.

And yet Lup was here, straight to the heart as always, when she was getting in her own way... ]

A solid foundation...

[ She makes a thoughtful hum. ]

... I have tried to see if I could recall anything about what it might have been, all those years ago... if there were any seasons that stood out in any catches of memory, but I haven't had any luck there.

[ Which might be for the best... how can she value the person she is if she's constantly comparing it to the idealized concepts of all she's lost. ]

If you can't pull from memory, or from the old "you", then choose something that the current version of yourself would find meaningful. That's what Taako and I did- our past meant nothing to us, the original day of our birth was empty when everyone who knew it was either dead or didn't give a shit. We picked a day that would give us some kind of celebration instead.

[There's no real science to picking a birthday, but once you have it, it's probably going to stick. Best put some thought into it first.]

Wouldn't it have been useful if someone had asked the 'old me' that, during that mess? Not that I'd recall anyway...

[ There's some humor to be had in it, but of course Lup is wise as always. ]

Now this self of mine, as you say... it has been... little over a year? The entire time we have been in this universe, and then some. Strange to think that it's not so long at all.

Time becomes a bit weird for people like us. It sets us apart in ways I don't always think about until it becomes relevant.

[Like when you have conflicts with people much, much younger.]

What would you want out of a birthday, once you had one?

What would I want...? I haven't had to consider that before. For others it's easier... I know who you are, and I know why you're important to me and worth celebrating.

[ Getting to that point with herself is harder, but she's acknowledged the hurdle and now it's a little easier to shift through. ]

For myself... perhaps all I would want is to have something I could share with my family on that day. The fact that... this self can be honored is right here, after all. I don't mind if such a day would be tucked away into something larger, so long as it means something to us. It's... not a bad reminder to have.

So, like... around a holiday, then? Like Taako and me?

[It does sound like it would be fitting. Something that could easily overshadow a birthday if one chooses to keep it on the down-low, but also something that could be properly celebrated with a bit of extra effort.]

... Yes, like you two. If I am to pick something new, I don't want it to be... empty.

[ But of course, she can't just up and pick their holiday, either; that was theirs to share even if they'd welcomed her to do so. No, she needs something else...

She's quiet for a moment, pondering it further, though her ears give a quick, alert little wiggle. ]

Well... if we're talking long term, and since you're going to go back to Faerun with us...

[Because until told otherwise, that's still their definitive future, in Lup's mind.]

It should be one of our holidays, I'm thinking.

Of course it must be. I wouldn't have it otherwise.

[ Because that, too, gave it meaning. A promise for future birthdays to come. She gives Lup's shoulder a gentle squeeze. ]

... there is one that comes to mind, that I find I quite like. It happens to be first one that you both taught me about... and one in which I could dote upon you with gifts if I so chose as well. How about... Candlenights? Around there. We'll make our own tradition.

[Lup shifts subtly against her with a thoughtful exhale.]

Candlenights...

[Well, why not? Candlenights has never been particularly special in her heart or her history, at least for most of her life, but she does have some fond attachment for the celebration in recent years. In part because she finally has (some of) her family back, with more to be returned to her when she goes home at last, and in part because the last Candlenights in Faerun was the day when everything began to truly shift. Taako met Kravitz. They learned about the greater planer system theory. Barry recognized the umbrella. Even from her magic prison, she'd felt the changes. It might be nice to have another association, one a little less serious and more celebratory.]

Candlenights lasts about a week, too. You could pick any day you wanted and not even stick to a constant.

[ When she'd first heard of Candlenights, she was only starting to trust those around her. Taako had begun to fill her life with the color and food she hadn't known she'd been missing, and Lup had been there... and she, in turn, had been there too.

She laughs softly at Lup's addition. ]

... I like that. Not having it bound to a particular day to recall, and the holiday would keep the reminder there. So long as I don't get too caught up and neglect to choose something when it is upon us.

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